my avowed intent to be a pilgrim

I've had this Anglican hymn text (after the original text by John Bunyan, with the Monk's Gate tune) running through my head off and on the last little while. It's a popular hymn at school, and maybe I've been homesick for thrice weekly prayers with 700 women's voices singing in unison (with a few men's to enrich the texture). But I've also been thinking a lot about what I need vs what I can carry. If I can't carry it, does that mean I don't need it? And why on earth was I not lifting weights for the past two months to get ready to carry everything I need?

Of course I'm talking about the 35 liter pack that will sit on my back for 4 - 6 hours a day, for the month it will take me to walk the Camino francés across northern Spain to Santiago de Compostela. The suggestion is not to carry more than 10% of your body weight. The single item in my pack that weighs the most is the water: the three-liter hydration pouch which fits into my pack and has a hose coming over my shoulder so I can drink hands free (-ish), when full, weighs 5 pounds. My simplified toiletries weigh 2 pounds. (I should make do with even less, I know, but I'm a middle-aged lady who needs a certain minimum of face creams and hair products.) My sandals weigh 1.5 pounds. My sleep sack and towel weigh 2 pounds, and my clothes weigh 5 pounds. Not bad, right? But I also need to carry food and vitamins and some other supplies like a knife, string, clothespins, duct tape, lamp, etc. My total at the moment is between 5 and 10 pounds heavier than I want to carry, depending on how many snack bars I carry. So, tomorrow when I'm well rested and clear-headed I'll go through everything again to see what else I can do without. After all, look at John Bunyan's pilgrim above, how comfortable does that look?

So the final big adventure of my year off work is this pilgrimage during which I will live only with what I can carry, spend hours on end alone (although my youngest brother is beginning the walk with me), sleep in pilgrim hostels (with earplugs) and eat off pilgrim menus.

What's the point? Or, as one relative said, Can't you think of anything better to do with your time? Well, actually, I can think of a lot of things to do with my time, and maybe that's the problem. There's too much stuff around me all the time, and too much noise in my head from all the things I should do, want to do, owe to other people. I guess I'm so used to this weight from my job, that even this year when I'm not working, I've packed on feelings of obligation to accomplish stuff for myself and for people around me. So by taking up my pilgrim's pack for a month I'm putting off the pack I usually carry around with me, to which I've been adding very worthwhile little things here and there, barely noticing that I'm bending more and more under the weight.

The destination is Santiago de Compostela, which I do want to see; but this is really mostly about the journey. I want to cultivate inner quiet, an attitude of awareness, openness, listening to the wind and the birds and to God, and occasionally to the people I meet. I'll have a notebook and a pen to slow my thoughts down by writing them. Since I can't actually sit still for very long, this physical effort will provide a framework for my inner pilgrim's progress. From the reading I've done, I know that sometimes the loudest thing I hear will be my aching shoulders or shins, or the snores of others in the bunkroom. I'll see how it goes. I don't want to be arrogant about my fitness, and will take a bus part of the way if I can't keep up the pace to get done in a month.

If I feel like it, I'll post something here occasionally. I'll see if my reflection leads anywhere. I can't tell where, from here!

(If you've never heard of this walk, have a look here at the route.)